December 1st, 2005


I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to
sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10. Merry
Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 2nd


In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and
your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


December 3rd


Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this
request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA
Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel
that $10
is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director


December 7th


I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men’s table.
Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director


December 9th


People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be
“Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces


December 10th


Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this
party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and
you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing
them right now…Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?

The B_ _ch from Hell


December 14th


I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness.
I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


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