Thank you for your recent rejection and the return of my manuscript*, despite the fact that I neglected to include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. I always think that major multinational corporations have deals with the Postal Service and I am a starving artist. You can buy the stamps.
I will admit to a bit of confusion as I read your rejection letter. You see, Julie, you had already passed on this particular manuscript. Your first letter, and pardon me because I am quoting from memory, said, “Your writing sucks and you should drown yourself to protect others from suffering through your attempts at plot and suspense. I am taking out a restraining order.”
Yes, I believe I have your words right, though perhaps the order is a bit off. Your second rejection was much kinder, though still a rejection. Apparently I can omit the drowning myself thing because I am now witty with good dialogue. This is a marked improvement from the days when my writing style was flat. I take comfort in knowing I exhibited such growth in my work without revising a single comma. I might make it in this business after all.
Given the fact that my work clearly improves with each reading, I am taking the liberty of enclosing my recently-rejected-but-not-revised manuscript. I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you in about two years.
* – Though it is a bit dog-eared and has someone’s phone number scrawled on the back page. With area code.