Fri, November 5, 2004
Joining’s easy, eh
DESPITE THAT WAR OF 1812 THING, THANE BURNETT MAKES OUR AMERICAN COUSINS WELCOME
By THANE BURNETT
MEMO TO: The Unhappy States of America. Re: Your application for adoption by Canada.
Thank you for your interest in becoming us.
I’m pleased to say that during a regular meeting of all Canadians held at Tim Hortons doughnut shops last night, almost everyone in our country voted in favour of your wish to “cede” to us — some thought that word may be sexual, others were still upset about that whole War of 1812 thing, and at least a half a dozen ballots were ruined when coffee was spilled pulling out of the drive-thru.
Though the number in your party is far smaller than expected before last Tuesday’s presidential election, we do, however, have strict rules for becoming citizens of Canada.
For those blue, disillusioned democrat states, it will involve hard work. A full investigation. No lawyers. Polite questions.
At least 15 minutes. And a one-time only full cavity search by a young Canadian border guard who initially was going to vote against your adoption.
Complete the requirements below, including a standard “So You Wanna Be A Canuck?” questionnaire.
Note the small print about not accepting David Hasselhoff, any tarty Hilton sister or Carrot Top the comic. Before your new terrorist-proof passports can be mailed, your football fields have to be made longer but your list of holidays made shorter.
CANADIAN TIRE CURRENCY
Immediately direct your fast-food clerks to accept the word “pop,” when a customer orders a soft drink. From this day forward, all said “pop” must be made with good-for-you sugar, rather than corn syrup, which has made most south of our previously existing border happy and fat.
Our common currency will become Canadian Tire cash.
Turn your headlights on in the day, but take your shoes off before you walk into someone’s house. Don’t mix the two up.
Expect to now live longer than your former countrymen — it’s the sugar that keeps us going.
The word you’re trying to pronounce is “about” — not “abowt.”
The drinking age of 21 will be lowered to the Canadian 19, so that we may quickly begin to breed new, heartier generations better able to cope with the increased alcohol content of Canadian beer.
Put down the gun — the word “pissed” means we’re just once again drunk, not, as you believe, angry.
While your Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and Broadway sound, yawn, interesting, you may want to reprint your new Canadian tourist brochures — in three languages; English, French and American — with more appropriate spots like Joe’s field of scarecrows in Cape Breton and a flying saucer in Moonbeam, Ont.
HOCKEY STICK AND PUCK
When you talk culture my friend, you’re talking the world’s largest hockey stick and puck in Duncan, B.C.
As Canadians, you will be expected to eat more Kraft Dinner than you’re used to.
All-dressed chips are our space food.
You will, from this point on, pretend that Wal-Mart is a Canadian company.
From now on, you will no longer have to disguise Canadian landmarks while filming American movies.
Tell your children — that last letter is ‘zed.’
As Canadians, you’ll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while publicly bad-mouthing their way of life.
Relax. “Boxing Day” is not what it sounds like.
Neither is a “Robertson screw.”
As you know, none of these changes will effect most NHL hockey players in your states, since they’re already Canadian.
Now, fellow northern countrymen, please answer these few skill-testing questions, to complete the process of becoming full fledged citizens.
Wow, it really is that easy.
‘I HAVE ROOTS’
(1) What are Smarties?
(2) Why is it okay to boast, “Look at me, I have ‘Roots’ stuck to my forehead?”
(3) Name two things Natasha Henstridge and Pamela Anderson have in common.
(4) Colin Mochrie is funnier than Wayne Brady because …
(5) Is Joe Louis a flaky cake or a boxing champ?
(6) If you’re in Newfoundland, and ask the quickest way to “Dildo,” where would they tell you to go?
(7) Explain our Senate. To the rest of us.
(8) Excluding question No. 3, what’s a double-double?
(9) We invented instant potatoes. Why again?
(10) What’s the correct, complete version of the Canadian national anthem (a trick question, since there’s no such thing).
One more thing — don’t worry about losing Florida. Canadians own it.
Thank you for not simply taking us over, as we always expected you would.
Your new prime minister, William Shatner